To Serve and Correct

I just came across an interesting article in the UK’s Ilkeston Advertiser:

Derbyshire police officers have become the first in Britain to get a new educational booklet, which includes tips on how to spell.

Superintendent Gary Knighton has distributed the Fast Facts for Policing booklet to all 1,800 officers in the county.

It contains multiplication tables and the correct spellings of the days of the week and months of the year.

The differences between source and sauce, whether and weather and two and too are explained. And officers are advised on how to use the 24-hour clock.

Supt Knighton said: “Spellings and terminology are very important in our line of work and accuracy is key when producing official documents. We’re pleased to be the first force to offer people the opportunity to improve their skills in this way and we hope other constabularies will consider distributing the Fast Facts booklet.”

Multiplication tables?  Really?

It sounds a bit ridiculous when you picture cops running down the street, fighting crime while referring to their little books.  (It reminds me of this hilarious Conan O’Brien sketch.  “Former Secretary of Labor Robert Reich!  Nooooooooo!”)

Sometimes you have to start with the very basics, the very minimums that help you avoid embarrassment.

Also, keep in mind that if a cop spells a month incorrectly on a speeding ticket, you could probably contest it.

What do you think?

Yeah, I won’t be going there.

I just got back from Vegas.  It was amazing and one of the craziest weekends of my life.  However, I hurt my back — I wish I could say what happened, but it’s NOT meant to be repeated on the Internet — and I need to see a chiropractor.

My chiropractor is wonderful, but he’s up in the suburbs and I no longer have a car, so I had to find a new one.  I did a bit of research and found one right around the corner from my office.  Perfect!  I called to make an appointment.

“–’s office,” the girl answered.

“Hi,” I said.  “I would be a new patient.  I’m looking to see if you’re taking new patients, and if so, to see–”

“Was you in a accident?”

Whoa.  Whoa.

Was you in a accident?

I kid you not — those were her exact words.

I quickly glossed over the details of the debauchery-induced injury, and she then informed me that I needed a referral.

I called my regular doctor and the receptionist informed me that my health insurance carrier (one of the most common in Massachusetts) doesn’t do referrals for chiropractors — they’re unnecessary.

Well, do you think I called that chiropractor back?  No way.

I was so put off by the girl who answered the phone that I found an entirely new chiropractor.  This one is also right by my office.  I’ll be seeing him tomorrow.

First impressions are everything.  Keep that in mind when you hire someone to answer the phone.

And, just for fun…

We met the glamorous Coco and the awesome Ice-T at XS Nightclub at the Encore!

Your Welcome

I received this submission from reader Joanna:

Dear Vandal,

Do you accept submissions?  If so, please accept mine.  Note not only the obvious “Your” but also the mysterious lowercaseness of the lone pronoun.  Oh, how I wished I had a Sharpie in my pocket, but at least I had my trusty camera phone.

This sign amuses me on two different levels.  First of all, there’s the obvious error.

But beyond that…what does a fish eating a worm have to do with walking and/or driving across a property?!

Odd.  (It does remind me of a sign my sister and I begged our parents to get for the backyard.  It had an angry cartoon fish on it yelling, “Hey!  Who peed in the pool?”  We thought it was hilarious.  They wouldn’t oblige.)

For the record, I always love submissions — so send them in!

Also, I’m off to Vegas this weekend.  I’ll be back on Tuesday, which is sure to be a wonderful, wonderful day here in America!

Getting Creative with Thank You Letters

It’s been a few weeks since the holidays, so if you haven’t written your thank you notes yet, now is the time!

Maybe you’d like to get creative with one of these, sent to me from my friend Andy. Britain’s The Magazine and the Society for Editors and Proofreaders had a contest to write a thank you letter that can have two different meanings if you use the same words but change the punctuation.

Here’s my personal favorite (as well as Andy’s):

Dear Aunt Agatha,

Sorry it has taken me so long to write telling you how much I liked your Christmas present this year, only I didn’t have the time. To take it back and get another would be out of the question! I suppose for you to be so kind shouldn’t come as a surprise after what you bought me last year. It was splendid! News about Uncle Brian? Dying to see you again in the New Year. Would be awful to lose touch.

Mark

Dear Aunt Agatha,

Sorry it has taken me so long to write telling you how much I liked your Christmas present this year, only I didn’t. Have the time to take it back and get another? Would be out of the question, I suppose, for you to be so kind. Shouldn’t come as a surprise after what you bought me last year. It was splendid news about Uncle Brian dying. To see you again in the New Year would be awful.

To lose touch,

Mark

Mark Till, Southport, England

I love these! Doesn’t the line about Uncle Brian kill you?

Click here to see the rest. These are five of the best.

Spelling Errors Throughout the US

Here are some of the latest, funniest spelling errors I’ve spotted on Facebook’s “Good Grammar Is Hot” group:

I particularly like the Hello Kitto.

SMS/Texting Habits and Grammar

I recently found a piece online about children’s spelling and SMS in anglophone India:

“We have learnt to accept the fact that kids will remain hooked on the mobile phone, of which SMS-ing is an integral part. We are devising ways to help them strike a balance between the formal language that they are expected to write in their answer scripts and the SMS language,” said T H Ireland, principal, St James School.

We’ve talked about SMS and texting here on a few previous occasions. This is something new, though.

Before I got my iPhone, I made an effort to have correct spelling and grammar in my text messages. The iPhone makes that even easier, just as it makes everything in your life easier.

But I’ve developed a bit of a bad habit. The iPhone corrects your spelling, especially when contractions are involved, so I now type “dont” and “im” and “thats” with the knowledge that it will turn into “don’t” “I’m” or “that’s” as I type it.

This hasn’t quite affected my life away from my iPhone (which pretty much consists of my sleeping hours ).  Then again, the readers of this blog and I tend to be an exception to the rule and not the norm.

I know a lot of you are teachers, and plenty more of you have elementary school-aged kids.  Have you seen “SMSese” and text-speak affecting kids’ writing?

A world of GRAMMATICAL FAIL!

Here are my newest favorites from the Fail Blog:

A Hiatus is Good

Wow.  There are 48 comments to moderate.

I took a break, and I’m sure you’re aware of that fact.  I needed it.  Sometimes you need time away from something that means a lot to you.

I had a great time off.  I took a wonderful solo trip to Buenos Aires and celebrated the Christmas with my family and New Year’s with my closest friends.  I also blogged regularly at my personal blog, Kate’s Adventures.

But I am back in the best way possible!

Stay tuned…The Grammar Vandal is back, and will be posting regularly.

Thanks for hanging in there!